Just Going Through the Motions

Having one of those days where I can’t help but feel as if sometimes I’m just going through the motions of life and that it has no real direction or meaning to it….

Before I go further with this post, let me just clarify that NO, I have no thoughts of ending my life nor spiraling into the depression and despair….  Just feeling like my life has turned into somewhat of a failure and it feels like the things I try to do either fail or don’t take off.

I can’t seem to get a job anywhere and even if I did all I’d be worth is some low level  workhorse somewhere, working myself to the ground.  I’ve thought about going back to school but the only way to do that is Financial Aid ( yeah, gotta rely on F.A to even remotely consider going back to school — and the last time I did that I ended up screwed by running out of “funds” before completing courses).    I’ve thought about home businesses but a part of me feels like WTF bother – Not like I’d get any business.  Hell, I can’t even sell anything on Craigs List and when I do it’s basically peanuts (and at that I gotta go spending gas money, that we don’t have, to  meet the buyer somewhere).

The worst of it is feeling/knowing that you are a failure in the eyes of family —  I know it shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t hurt but it does….

And to add insult to injury – knowing that the whole reason you even have a roof over your head  or a vehicle is family that seems to regret doing so.  Kinda makes me wish we could just get a small travel trailer or motor home get rid of everything and just travel…  But then doing something like that would take money that we don’t (and feels like never will) have so I guess we’re trapped in our current “low-life” status.  Guess I should be happy with my lot in life.


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