Does Not Crying at a Funeral Mean You Don’t Care???

It was 27 years ago today that my Grandfather (Poppy as he was named by one of my older cousins) passed away.  If I recall correctly it was due to heart trouble related to Rhuematic Fever as a child – but then it could have just been old age.  I remember my dad and I flying, in a small plane my dad owned, many times to visit both my Poppy and my Grandmother, Nonny.

 

I was 13 and half years old (almost to the day) when Poppy passed away.  I don’t recall much about his death or the time surrounding it.  I remember standing at the gravesite, unable to shed a tear.  Just silent, watching.  Inside I was sad, I was crying – But on the outside there was nothing.  I just couldn’t cry or show any emotion.  I remember my step mother berating me afterwards because I wasn’t crying & carrying on – Telling me that I didn’t love my grandfather, that I didn’t care.  Even then I couldn’t help but think that what she was saying was stupid.  I loved my grandfather a great deal and just because I wasn’t crying and carrying on didn’t mean that I felt nothing inside.

 

It’s not what you see on the outside that is necessarily an indication of how a person is feeling about a traumatic situation.  It could be that inside they are crying deeply, but that just isn’t yet manifesting to a visible portrayal.  For me, I wasn’t going to force myself to cry and be fake about it.  I remember being mad that my step mother would assume how I felt just because there was no tears, no crying.  I believe the tears did come later when I was by myself.

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