Ahhh how well I remember the innocence (and might I add stupidity) of my first real crush…. Ok well actually technically you could say my second. The actual first being sometime around the middle of 4th grade. Yes, that would be back in the days when (for the most part) boys & girls would barely touch fingers when having to hold hands for dance; And, when the opposite sex had cooties. I don’t recall much of the first crush really, except that I thought he was cute – that was about it.
I can still well remember the embarrassingness (yes, I know that’s not really a word) of my actions with that second crush. It would have been right around 5th or 6th grade. It was my first real crush and you could say I was smitten. Looking back now I can’t help but be embarrassed by my actions…. I mean who the heck rides a bike for over a mile just to ride by a boy’s house (ohhh yeah. I would – and did). As is common with crushes (and for me a common occurrence through out my young adult years) the boy in question did not share these same feelings. Eventually the fascination (and crush) fizzled out.
The third crush I had (in Junior High) was one of those “What the heck was I thinking” ones…. The only thing the boy had going for him was that he happened to be very good looking, but he was an absolute douche bag towards me. Like I said, “What was I thinking” Needless to say that one didn’t last long at all. If I recall correctly I did not have any other crushes throughout my Junior High Years (That isn’t to say that I didn’t notice guys or whether or not they were good looking).
My next crush was when I was in high school and one is in a class by itself. Although it wasn’t my first crush (or even my first “real” crush) it was the first one in which I was looking for something more meaningful than just “going out with a guy” – I was looking for a relationship….. You would think that the fact that I was in high school would have matured me some. Well you would be mistaken. Again I was smitten and again I made a complete ass of myself…. And, oh yeah, again the “What the heck was I thinking” rule applies here – Well not quite that bad. He wasn’t a complete douche, but the only notice he had of me was teasing me relentlessly. You could say we had a ‘love/hate relationship” – He loved to tease me, I hated it.
One of the worst part of that last crush was when one of my teachers yelled out, in front of the entire classroom, “Hey __________, (she) has the hots for you.” I could have gladly died at that moment. To tell the truth I was, in fact, very shy and had no real inclination that this guy had any feelings towards me and to have the teacher blurt that out was, well, embarrassing. Sometime in there I began to realize that I was wasting my time. Yes, I know, if I had been smart I would have “realized” this sooner and saved myself a bunch of heartache; But then I’ve always been known for being stubborn (and a little dense at times).
Even though I shake my head at myself now at the stupidity of “chasing” after a guy who had no interest in me whatsoever (beyond the teasing mentioned above), this guy still holds a special place in my heart as being that first, in that way. He was a grade ahead of me and graduated when I was in my junior year. After that I never saw him again (that I remember anyway). I don’t know why, but I didn’t have any real crushes my senior year – not that I didn’t notice guys and all that. For some reason none seemed to interest me in that way.
So far, you will notice, I have not mentioned a boyfriend anywhere. That is because I hadn’t had one yet. Remember my mentioning that having crushes with the guys who weren’t interested in me was a common occurrence…. Not only did the guys that I had crushes on my not have an interest in me but apparently no boy/guy did because I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I got into college. He was not what you’d call a class a kisser and to be completely honest, he was (sad to say a bit of a loser. I don’t remember now how or why it was that our relationship came to an end. I don’t recall that either one of us broke up w/ the other, it just sort of ended and we went our separate ways.
I do remember that there was a certain officer at the college I was attending in my younger days that I thought was quite good looking (err…. hot), but I hate to use the term crush here – I mean by this time I was an adult and certainly there has to be a better word than “crush” for something so mature – (Did I just say mature – yeah. right). Then there was the disastrous relationship with another guy who pretty much topped all the others combined when it came to being a complete douche bag. Nothing ever actually happened, but guys “NO” is a word and it means something…… But I digress and move on……
Eventually I finally met the guy that would become my first serious boyfriend. After the disastrous relationship mentioned above and my serious lack of luck when it came to members of the opposite sex, he was the first guy to bring me out of my shell. The first guy I was able to allow to get close to me both emotionally and physically. He was in fact my “first”. I wish I could say that we are still together but, for reasons that I still do not completely understand myself, we are not. Sadly he decided to end our relationship after nearly, or maybe it was over, 2years. To say I was devastated would be an understatement of mass proportions. I did not want to believe the relationship was over and it took me a long time (though I can’t tell you now how long) to get over him. I know that there are some out there that can love ‘em and leave ‘em, but I am not one of them. To this day, that guy still has a piece of my heart and I will always love and care about him.
There has been a number of other guys that I’ve been interested in as well as a boyfriend or two, but nothing like what I had with the guy above. The one other “interest” that stands out is one who to me will always remain special. Not because he showed an “interest” in me (in fact he wasn’t) but because, unlike so many guys who seemed to gain the opinion that I had (somehow) suddenly contracted the plague whenever they got any inclination that I was interested in them, he still treated me like a friend and acted no differently towards me even after he found out. Eventually I lost contact with him (though I wish that were not the case) because of well… life.
Eventually I met and married my current and only husband and we now have one son. I won’t say that our marriage has always been “peaches & cream” or a “bed of roses” because it is anything but. We yell, we argue, we fight, but in the end we seem to work well for each other somehow. I think that it is because we have a stubborn streak that won’t let us give up or give in as well as a sense of “forever”. There is also the point that my husband often brings up, when ever I ask (on my down days), “Why do you love me.” “Because I decided to, end of story.”
And that is the end of this story………..