There are many times that I wish I had a better memory of my mother. Sadly my mother died just after I turned 5 years old. The only memory I have of her (and even that is vague) is of sitting on the floor of her art studio coloring something while she was working. Actually, I don’t even remember her face but rather the presence of her being there (perhaps her feet or something). The eerie thing is that I look so much like her that I’ve often had people who knew her tell me that they thought I was her for a second. I’ve also been told that my voice sounds just like hers did and that I have many of the same mannerisms that she did. From what I’ve been told my mother was an independent thinker and quite stubborn in many ways – some of the same qualities that I find myself to have at times.
I can’t help but wonder at times what my mother would have been like had she been alive today – well I guess in some ways I don’t have to wonder what she’d look like, because it would have probably been very much like looking in a mirror. But what would she have been like as a person is the question. And how would have my life been different if she hadn’t have killed herself? Would her and my father stayed together? Would she still be apart of my life? Questions to which I will probably never have the answer to.
From a religious stand point I am not sure what happens to the spirit of someone who kills themselves (due to depression) – I’ve been told by some that in that case there spirit is doomed (mind you this was NOT done out of spite of meanness, just honestly) and that they would not end up in heaven. Is that the absolute truth – I don’t know and I’ve never really put much thought into studying it out. However it is a sobering thought that if we are to once again see loved ones that we’ve lost and that she might be denied her place in heaven – that I may never again see my mother even in heaven. I do know that she will always be on my mind that I will always remember her at least in some way